I'm wide awake and I'm in pain - August 18

Today’s Readings:  AM Psalm [120], 121, 122, 123; PM Psalm 124, 125, 126, [127]; Judges 18:1-15; Acts 8:1-13; John 5:30-47

Sam and I did yardwork over the weekend. The kids were helping. It was a beautiful day and we got so much accomplished. And yet, I still felt a pang of being discomforted, in the midst of creating straight lines in the green lawn. I put in my headphones as I kept mowed the grass. I heard a song by Jason Isbell that hit me hard, naming what I sometimes feel. He and his wife Amanda Shires penned these words, “Anxiety / why do you always get the best of me?” They tell of feelings of conflict, even though life around them is idyllic. Jason sings of his desire to be strong and reliable, while naming that he actually feels weak and small. And the song ends with the repetition of a gut-wrenching line – “I’m wide awake and I’m in pain.”

I’ve had this album for a while, and the truth resonating in this song hits me differently during this season of physical distance, uncertainty about COVID-19, and divisions that surround us. Anxiety is on the rise. In a report I read a few days ago, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that adults are reporting increased struggles with mental health and substance abuse. At the end of June 2020, 31% of respondents to a survey reported anxiety or depression, 13% reported increased or new substance use, and 11% reported seriously considering suicide. This is an exhausting and hard time for many people. It is an exhausting and hard time for me…though much of my proximate life is beautiful. How about you?

That is why I love the psalms. As a teen, I would play “Bible roulette”, thumbing through the pages of the Bible searching for words of comfort or affirmation from God. The psalms are a likely source for meeting the resonance we seek. Today, the words of Psalm 121 offer reassurance and recentering:

The Lord himself watches over you;
the Lord is your shade at your right hand,
So that the sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;
it is he who shall keep you safe.
The Lord shall watch over your going out and your coming in,
from this time forth for evermore.

I need these words to slow me down, and to remind me that I am not at the center of this chaos, and I alone cannot calm this storm. All the burden is not on my shoulders. It is God who watches over me – it is God who watches over you, too. The Lord offers protection and comfort. And being grounded in that, I find Jesus’ words from John’s gospel to wash over me anew: “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge; and my judgement is just, because I seek to do not my own will but the will of him who sent me.”

As Jesus was restating for his followers that his power and ministry were rooted in God, he reminds me today that I must pray the brazen prayer for the Holy Spirit to empower me to do God’s will and overwhelm my own. And when I start from that posture, then I get to ask Jesus to walk alongside me to be my strength when I feel weak and lost.

Friends, if you are struggling today, and find yourself slipping into protracted darkness, substance use, or self-harm, please reach out for help. Call the church. Call a mental health professional. Don’t just lie in the darkness, wide awake and in pain. You are not alone, and you are loved.

-- Katherine+

Questions for Reflection

Have you felt protracted sadness of late? Who have you talked to about this? If you’ve not talked about it, who can you share these feeling with?

Daily Challenge

Write down one word or phrase from the psalms appointed for today that brings you peace. Put that phrase in a place you’ll see for the rest of the week. Use those words as an opening to pray to God.