Why we can't make everyone happy - October 14
Today’s Readings: AM Psalm 18:1-20; PM Psalm 18:21-50; Jer. 38:1-13; 1 Cor. 14:26-33a,37-40; Matt. 10:34-42
In our kitchen, there is an island which has a place for three people to sit. It is where most of our meals are consumed. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but usually, one person either sits on a chair or on the bench a few feet away. We have a dining room table, but we haven’t prepared enough to sit down for most meals. And since my offspring refuse to eat anything remotely nutritious that adults would also like to eat, most meals are cooked for the kids separately than the adults. This further exacerbates the issue of not eating together.
And so the kids, after barking at their short-order cooks (I mean parents), have procured a well-balanced meal of grilled cheese and canned green beans, they take a seat at the counter. Now here is the mistake that I most often make, in addition to doing what is easiest, we always leave the three bar stools at the counter. Three is an odd number, which means the first child to the counter ends up in the middle seat.
Here is where dinner begins to fall apart. Apparently, in adolescence, the middle seat is equivalent to the throne of the almighty ruler. This might make sense when we hear of the disciples fighting to sit on the right and left of Jesus. And this is where trouble really begins to grow. I want to make everyone happy, so I begin to negotiate. “Jack, you can have the middle seat, but Bailey gets the seat tomorrow.” And then tomorrow, the chair will be missing, no one will say anything, and then a week later, when Bailey realizes she was denied the middle seat seven days prior, and life isn’t fair, all things break down and you would think that we are living in Armageddon.
Recently, I found myself in a similar situation in my professional life, trying to negotiate and make all parties happy in a challenging situation only to further intensify the situation, leaving it worse than before I was directly involved. We cannot make all people happy. We cannot fix all situations. We cannot resolve every conflict. And in my own reflection, while I believe I was well-intended, it has been a helpful learning point to recognize how that posture can be problematic.
Every time I read today’s Gospel lesson, I am bothered by what Jesus offers us as his vision for us in this one passage. He doesn’t bring peace but a sword? He has come to set man against father, mother against daughter, daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law? Ok, the last one sounds more reasonable (just kidding). This is certainly not the most comforting vision for Christian unity! It’s a good thing it’s not the only image and we ready Scripture for the totality of the message and not with a penknife. But we do have to wrestle with this image.
One consideration could be about the ordering of values. Is there a risk of always trying to make people happy when that practice is at odds with the greater commandment to love? Does love of God and love of neighbor become a greater ethic than the immediate happiness of family members? Is there a difference between receiving Christ in our family members or playing the peacekeeper?
These are not easy questions to wrestle with. This Scripture is not easy to sit with either. But maybe there is some comfort in the reminder that we can’t make every situation smooth or absent of conflict. That goal isn’t for us. Instead, we are to welcome Christ in each other. That doesn’t mean easy answers. The goal shouldn’t be happiness. It should be love! I’m praying I have the wisdom to learn the difference.
John
Questions for Self-Reflection: What are some moments where you have found love and peace or love and happiness in conflict? Do you have similar stories that this reflection brings up? Are you aware of times when happiness or peace has later caused more problems?
Daily Challenge: Consider the following lens in problem-solving. Ask yourself this question when solving conflict with two people: “How does this solution convey God’s love for this person?” Use this lens today and see if it is helpful.