Learning to love yourself - June 9

Today’s Readings: AM Psalm 72; PM Psalm 119:73-96 Deut. 31:30-32:14; 2 Cor. 11:21b-33; Luke 19:11-27

This past weekend, I took a walk down memory lane by returning to my hometown for a childhood friend’s wedding. It was a large and beautiful affair. I must admit, leading up to it, I was dragging my feet a bit…that weird blend of wanting desperately to go and dreading what would happen. I’ll say more.

Like many young people, I wrestled with low self-esteem, not feeling good enough or worthy through my school years. I wanted to feel cool and be in the “in crowd”. By the time I got to college and beyond, I found other ways to reaffirm my self-worth when feeling down or insecure and began gravitating toward “my crowd”. However, in middle and high school, I was often reliant upon the validation of others to feel okay about myself. And honestly, propping up one’s fragile ego and relying upon what other insecure, immature teenagers think… that is a recipe for danger and disappointment and drama.

My mom was a stabilizing force for me in those tumultuous years. She talked with my sisters and me about believing in ourselves, often turning to music to reinforce her messages. Mom would play (and replay) Whitney Houston’s song, “The Greatest Love of All” on the cassette deck in our car, drawing our attention to these lyrics:

“I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

 Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all.”

I get a little misty-eyed just rehearsing those words in my head now. My mom knew that sometimes life would be challenging. She tried to prepare and ground us in love, regardless of what happened externally.

Hard things did happen in the landscape of our upbringing. Our parents divorced while we were in elementary and junior high grades. Our dad was angry and complicated. He made some bad choices that negatively affected him, his livelihood, and his health. It was a source of tension and embarrassment and pain. Home life was no longer “normal” or “mainstream” … it was different than that of my peers at an affluent private school in the deep South.

As I look back, what my mom was trying to do was ground us in God’s love and hers, so that we were less likely to compare ourselves to others, or see ourselves as walking in the shadows of others. While she lived, she did this gallantly. Once she died, it was hard to imagine going back to my hometown for a large social gathering. There was rarely a big enough reason to return to that space where I felt weakness and anxiety... especially without the encouraging words of my mom to tell me that I was good enough and full of dignity.  

Until now. With the shores of COVID-19 receding, not without the marks left on our hearts and lives because of the losses, it was time. I stood tall and walked with Sam up the driveway to the beautiful home and enjoyed the joyous wedding (and impromptu high school reunion). I did not boast of hardships, as the apostle Paul explores in his second letter to the Corinthians. I presented myself as I am, fashioned by God and comforted by the Lord’s loving-kindness (Ps. 119:73, 76). I felt no shadows of the past, nor did I hide my weakness. And it was a glorious night.

Friends, wherever you go this day, know that you are not walking in anyone’s shadow. The light of Christ is shining upon each of us, and there is enough to go around.

-- Katherine+

Questions for Reflection

What weaknesses have you hidden that keep you from connecting with others?

 What words of reassurance do you need to hear today?

Daily Challenge

Take a deep breath. Pray about a space of weakness in your life. Where do you specifically feel pain or avoid a person or life event? Invite God into that space, to bring healing, redemption, and reconciliation. Consider talking to a trusted friend about it, or even meet with a counselor to reach a deeper level of acceptance of yourself – as a beloved child of God.